Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
