three words: i give head
three words: not that well
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Randomize
