I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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