Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Are we in a gay sports bar?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
