I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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