yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
