remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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