he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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