I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
