you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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