Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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