I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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