So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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