she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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