Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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