you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
