so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
