When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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