Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
