i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
