I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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