I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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