Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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