i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
