my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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