I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
