i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
