You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
