After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
