Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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