Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
