I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
