HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
