YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
