You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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