Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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