we have officially lost it.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
two words...techno handjob
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
