Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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