Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
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