after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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