Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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