I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
