guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
me + whiskey = a bad person
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
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