Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Everclear isn't food dammit
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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