whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
