i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I wish you could order shots online.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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