This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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