Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
