The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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