this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Congratulations! We have a period
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