I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
