the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize