thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
