Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
