you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
We need to get me chipped asap
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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