Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Randomize
