Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
