FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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