I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
