Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
This is the high leading the old right now
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
