I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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