I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Success! We fucked roommates!
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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