you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
