Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
there is glitter all over my balls
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