so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
