Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Randomize
